No Turning Back (?)

31 december 2007
makati city

This year dawned not with a bang but with a heavy heart. After spending nights gorging on cans of coke and packs of Marlboro over a videoke with friends I’d lost connection to, I was forced to cut down my stay in our province, throwing away my much-anticipated VL into vacuum. From this, I had known that my year was off to a bad start.

But it did not turn out as bad as I was expecting. In fact, blessings came after the other, thanks for not being expectant of something I longed for. After going ballistic and running amok for not getting the position I was salivating after, I just shrugged my shoulder and let things go off. Unearth the antagonism that had been harboring in me, and view things in rose-colored glasses. This was so un-me, crediting this transformation to Tina, Ayin and the Vukes who sucked up all my angst during those times.

A “not-so-me” has been very hard to live up. Up to know, remnants of the past continue to hound me, like a specter out to bring me back to what I was. Of course this is not to say that I am living out of control, that I am pretending to be someone I wish I am (Mr. Ripley? J). In fact, it is still the very “me,” minus the negative vibes.

Soon, my so-called career skyrocketed, which has elevated Paulo Coelho, the genius who declared “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” to a Hall of something. Now, I have become a certified Coelhian (I just declared I am), pondering on his cute lines that do not only touch hearts, but also pinch, bludgeon and slaughter souls.

“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.” again from Coelho, my new-found spiritual guru. That’s exactly what I have done in the past months as my work was not on a smooth sailing. Karir! Good thing, I was able to turn the reddest of the red to the greenest of the green, enjoying each moment unleashing something from the team I am focusing on.

All about work – that’s what 2007 for me. A career move whatsoever, I was deprived of news on print and broadcast which I could cite with a full articulation before. Sometimes it is a good thing, bearing out the cliché “Ignorance is bliss.” I have become bored of my social life I am starting to enjoy it. I’ve adopted the “office-home” routine, with occasional hanging out in Origin.

Days before the year ends, I was able to talk to some good old friends who have remained faithful to das Gesetz. That was the first time, for this year I was able to think through without thinking much about work. Under the glint of the moon with the usual packs of Marlboro and liters of coke, I slowly sucked the thick black smoke up into my lungs.

Red Angel

Red Angel
(for Nic and friends)

Edel Garcellano

They must have hoped
through the months
for a sign from the sky:
in the arabesque of leaves
under their feet,
in the blast of wind
over their heads...

But the gods were merciless!
Their prayers were like stones
Dropping into the abyss ---
and they couldn't eveh hear
the sound of their empty falling!

They would be no miracle?
and their feeble sighs
would resonate
from the secret chambers
of their hearts:
Why do revolutionaries die?

Still, the gods would madly laugh,
as if all should never dare question
the law of the universe...
The morning after,
the slow rain pattered
on ten rooftops.
The weather had been uncertain
the past few weeks.

But one thing
they were damned sure of ---
nature was taking its course.
They had finally read
the writing on the wall
of the universe.

So they dutifully gathered
at his bedside
to let the world know
that Ka Monico Atienza,
red angel,
of their subliminal joys and fears,
lived a just, heroic life
and they would now,
orphans of his presence,
take on the grim task
that he
unwillingly abandoned
for that light
beyond his body's shell,
and they, who would follow
his incandescent destiny,
would salute him
who was truly the miracle itself
for resisting,
for persisting to live
humanly and meaningfully
in this age
of tyrants
and luminous barbarians.